I've decided not to hawk balls any longer...

While you wait at the tee

Golf Jokes

Bill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the
round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green,
when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping
and stands up on its hind legs.
Ralph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says,
"That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" Bill
replies, "Somersaults."
Ralph exclaims, "Somersaults! How many of them does he do?" Bill calmly
replies, "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick his ass!"

Bill, Ralph, and Fred gathered for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being "let go" for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife. Fred said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go." Ralph said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go." Bill said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,' and she said: 'I'll put your clubs in the car'

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor replied, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a
gorgeous set of breasts. This as the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies,... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said
that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she
wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's
desire. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy godmother picked up her
wand and boom! He was 90!!

Don't you just love fairy godmothers!!!!!
Wimmen, geeees.

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly
impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating. Once more the man yelled: "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee, please."

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back: "Would the person at the clubhouse loudspeaker kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

A golfer and his wife were playing and the guy slices his drive into a farmyard. Gets to his ball and it's directly behind a barn, so he's all hot about that,when his wife says look why don't you open the doors to the barn then you'll have a shot at the green. He thought about that and decided it was a great idea.He Hits the shot and the ball hits the barn and comes back and hits his wife in the head and kills her.One year later, playing with a friend he slices the ball into the same farmyard behind the same barn. So he's mad, so his buddy says hey look just open both doors on the barn and you'll have a shot to the green. The guy says hell no, last time I did that I took a seven.

A newcomer to the country club was placed in a foursome of "regulars" for an 8:00 a.m. Saturday round. They were apprehensive about playing
with a stranger until he shot a 72. Needless to say, they were impressed and invited him to play the following Saturday morning at
8:00, their regular tee time. He replied that he'd love to, but that if he showed up a few minutes late, he would catch up. The next Saturday
he showed up early, warmed up, and shot 73, this time left-handed. Well, his new friends were completely impressed now, and asked him to be a regular in their foursome. He answered that he'd love to, but that he might be a few minutes late for the tee time. Overcome with curiosity
about his ambidextrous abilities, one of the regulars asked, "Wait a minute. You played right-handed and shot a 72 last week. You played
left-handed this week and shot 73! And you always tell us you may be late? What's the deal?" The new member explained, "Well, if I wake up
Saturday morning and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."
Another member asked, "What if she's sleeping on her back?" "That," said the man, "is when I'll be a few minutes late."

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blondewoman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

Coming to the 18th hole of what was the worst round of golf in my life, I looked at the pond in front of the green and told my partner that I
played so badly I wanted to jump in the water and drown myself. My partner quickly responded that I couldn't do that.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because you can't keep your head down long enough!" he replied.

Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that today they would play the ball where it lies..."No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the cart path.  As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wiat a minute!  we agreed that we would not improve our lies!  Remember?  No matter what!"

 The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf.  But the second fellow would not allow it. Finally, in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club.  As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scrapping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally he took his shot.  The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop -- two inches from the cup."Great shot!" his friend exclaimed.  "What club did you use?" 

 The man answered with a wry smile, "Your 7-iron!"

An Octogenerian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined
the local Country Club.
He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there
wasn't anyone he could play with, because they were already out on the
course. He repeated several times that he'd really like to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he'd play with the man and would give
him a 12 stroke handicap.. The 80 year old said " I really don't need a handicap, as I've been
playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."  And he did play well. At the par four 18th, they were all even.
The pro had a nice drive and expected to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a long drive, but it landed in a fairway sand
trap. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! .
The Assistant Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing and said, "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a
probem getting out of sand traps."

Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Could you please give me a hand?"

Two guys are playing behind a female twosome.
The girls are playing real slow and one of the guys behind them is getting real upset.
The upset guy says to the other one," I'm going up there and tell them to let us play through.
The other guy says," OK .
So the upset guy starts walking up to the two girls.
He gets about half way to them and stops, turns around and runs back.
The buddy who's waiting asks," what's wrong?"
The upset guys says," I can't talk to them, one of the girls is my wife and the other is my girlfriend.
The second guy says," I'll go up there and tell them then."
When he gets about half way, he turns around and comes back.
The first guy ask's him whets wrong.
The second guy says," It's a small world"

A golfer checks in with the starter at his local course for the first round of a new season.  As his course requires caddies he informs the starter that, since he has been a member at the same course for many years, he does not need nor want a caddy who is too free with his shot advice.  His only problem in recent years has been his declining vision - he can't follow the flight of his golf ball for more than a few yards. He requests a caddy whose sole strength is good vision, and proceeds to the first tee.  A few minutes later someone gently taps him on the shoulder and announces in a frail, weak voice "I'm your caddy".  The golfer turns around to see an elderly gentleman who, he estimates, is well over 100 years old!!

 Golfer: "You can't possibly be my caddy.  I specifically requested a caddy with good vision."

 Caddy: "That's right - I'm your man.  My vision is just fine"

 Undaunted, the golfer proceeds to tee up his first shot.  After a mighty blow he watches the flight of the ball for some 50 yards before he loses sight of it.  The caddy, standing directly behind him watches carefully as the ball climbs gracefully into the air.  Suddenly, it takes a horrendous right turn, slicing out of bounds some 200 yards away.

 Golfer: "Well?? Did you see where it went?"

 Caddy: "Yep, sure did."

 Golfer: "Well, are you going to tell me where it is?"

 Caddy: "Nope, can't do that."

 Golfer: "What!?!  Why on earth not?"

 Caddy:  "I can't remember!!"

Husband and wife were sitting in their house when the wife looked at her husband and asked "When I die would you remarry?" The husband replied "I don't want to talk about this it's to depressing." Then the wife said "Just tell me I really have to know." So he replied "Well you would be gone and I'd be here alone so I guess I would." Then she asked "Would you move her into our house?" He said "Well you'd be gone and I'd be here alone and there isn't any sense in buying a new home so yes I guess I would. Then she asked " Would you let her sleep in my bed?" He said "Well I guess I would because you'd be gone and there isn't any sense in buying a new bed so yes I'd let her sleep in our bed." Then she asked "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Then the husband says "God no she's left handed!"

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

A fella decides to pic up the game of golf. After some advice from his friends, he finally decides on some clubs and all the gear. One sunny afternoon, he finally makes it out to the course. He is assigned a caddy and off they go. First hole he marks an 11. Second hole, after losing the ball in the tall grass and then another in the woods, he scores a 15. He is now clearly getting frustrated. Third hole he cards a 14. Completely annoyed by the game and looking for something or someone to take his frustration out on, he turns to his caddy and screams "You have got to be the worlds worst caddy!!!" The caddy replies "No way, that would be too much of a coincidence".

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are on the 1st tee on Sunday morning and
they notice the foursome in front of them is terrible. They are missing
the ball completely, hitting into the woods repeatedly and walking into
each other. After fifteen minutes of this the doctor grabs the starter and
says, "Aren't you going to do something about this? These guys are slowing
down the whole course!" To which the starter replies, "Oh, those are the
blind firemen. Last winter there was a terrible fire in the clubhouse.
These men responded and saved the building but in the process were blinded
by some unknown agent in the smoke. As a token of appreciation the
ownership allows them to play for free." After a pause the doctor said.
"How horrible. You know, I have a friend who is the best opthamologist in
the state. I'm sure he could examine these fine men to determine if
anything can be done." The lawyer said, "This sounds like a clear case of
negligence on the contractor using hazardous materials. I will take up
their cause immediately." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Husband and wife were sitting in their house when the wife looked at her husband and asked "When I die would you remarry?" The husband replied "I don't want to talk about this it's to depressing." Then the wife said "Just tell me I really have to know." So he replied "Well you would be gone and I'd be here alone so I guess I would." Then she asked "Would you move her into our house?" He said "Well you'd be gone and I'd be here alone and there isn't any sense in buying a new home so yes I guess I would. Then she asked " Would you let her sleep in my bed?" He said "Well I guess I would because you'd be gone and there isn't any sense in buying a new bed so yes I'd let her sleep in our bed." Then she asked "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Then the husband says "God no she's left handed!"

A golfer runs into a fellow member at the clubhouse.

Golfer #1:"Hey, did you hear about Pete? He died on the course last Saturday."
Golfer #2:"I know. I was in his foursome. Happened right on the 15th
fairway. Fifty-two years old. He hit his shot and collapsed. Dr. Green
was in our foursome. He gave him CPR but it didn't help. He just died right there in front of us.
Golfer #1:"That must have been horrible!"
Golfer #2:"Tell me about it. The rest of the day it was take a shot, drag Pete, take a shot, drag Pete ...

A man is all alone playing at sunrise one morning. He hits a shot up over a ridge and hooks it badly. When he comes over the hill he sees that his ball has landed in a huge patch of buttercups. He looks at the sun shining on the golden wildflowers, glistening off the morning dew and decides that the scene is too beautiful to destroy with a big ole' divot. So he picks up his ball and tosses it in the fairway. Just then a gorgeous woman in flowing robes appears from nowhere. "I'm Mother Nature.", she says. "For being so considerate and sparing my buttercups, you will receive all the butter you want for the rest of your life just by wishing for it." The man says, "That's terrific, but where were you last week when I hit into the pussywillows."

---Two priests are playing their weekly Wednesday morning round of golf. Father Tom is not very good. He has been carrying his 40 handicap for several years. They come to a hole which requires a 150 yard carry over water off the tee. Father Tom goes to his bag and pulls out a banged-up shag ball. "What are you doing?", asked Father Bob. "I always use a shag ball on this hole because I always put one in the pond. When I get to the drop area I'll break out a brand new ball." Just then the clouds parted and a loud booming Voice said, "Use the new ball!" Father Tom got a new ball and ran to the tee. "Take a practice swing!", said the Voice from on high. Father Tom took a practice swing. "Take another practice swing!", said the Voice. Father Tom took another practice swing. "Take another practice swing!". Father Tom took a third practice swing. After a pause the Voice said, "Use the old ball!".

The priest was so emphatic in his sermon about the importance of denial during lent that he surprised himself by vowing to give up golf (which he dearly loved) for that six week period. The congregation was amazed, but supportive, providing him with many "attaboys" as the weeks wore on. Finally, on Maundy Thursday he could take it no longer and sneaked 150 miles away to play and play he did! At the turn he was -3, his best ever. Up in heaven the angels were very concerned over his deceit to the congregation and brought the matter to God. Then, much to their chagrin, as all of them watched, he eagled #18 to finish -6 for the round. "God, what can we do about this?" To which God responded: "I've already handled it - who is he going to tell?"

Three men are waiting to tee off on the seventh tee which is adjacent to a county road. As they are waiting, they notice a funeral procession comes by. In this procession there are two hearses, a pit bull, and about 400 men walking single file behind the cars and the dog. The first golfer says, "Boy, there's something you don't see every day. I wonder what the deal is there."

The second golfer says, "Well, I know what that's all about. In the first hearse is my wife." "Your wife?" asks the first golfer. "What are you doing out here golfing?" "Well, we didn't really get along very well. One day the wife was out walking, and that pit bull there killed her. It was pretty bad." said the second golfer.

"That's terrible. So who's in the other hearse?" "My mother-in-law. She was walking with my wife when it happened. That pit bull got the best of her too."

"That's the worst thing I've ever heard," said the first golfer.

The third golfer started thinking that he really didn't like his wife and mother-in-law very much either, and asked, "Where does a guy get a dog like that?"

The second golfer replied, "You're gonna have to get in line."

One day this summer, three men are out golfing. After they have finished
they head to the clubhouse to discuss the round and have a few drinks.
After a few drinks, one of the men sheepishly says, "My wife says I am
not spending enough time with her and the kids, so this is my last golf
action for awhile." The second golfer says, "Boy, am I glad you brought
that up. My wife told me the same thing. I can't golf for awhile
either." The third golfer says, "Do I ever feel better, my wife said the
same thing too!"

Well, next weekend rolls around and all three golfers are on the course.
They are terribly excited to see each other and begin explaining their
presence at the golf course.

The first golfer says, "Well, I had to buy my wife a $10,000 diamond
But now that you guys are here, I feel it was definitely worth it!"

The second golfer says, "Boy, I had to buy my wife a $20,000 fur coat.
But I agree, now that you guys are here, it is definitely worth every

The first two turn to the third and ask him what he had to buy.


"What? You didn't have to buy anything? Then how did you get to come

"I woke up this morning and asked my wife, 'Golf course or intercourse?'
and she said 'Don't forget your sweater!'".


Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for "new scientific

4th RunnerUp-- The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought
in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may causeour planet to spin
dangerously fast.

3rd RunnerUp- Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because
they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use
"acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.

2nd RunnerUp- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to equalize
the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all

1st RunnerUp- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an
infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the
world's great literary works in Braille.

HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is
absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they
turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah",the lost r' s migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
> >
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and
when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down.
Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When
dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into
eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and
trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could
easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
teenage boys." P.J. O'Rourke


My wife inquired as to why I didn't play golf with Bob anymore.
I asked her, "Would you continue to play golf with a guy who always gets drunk and loses so many golf balls that we have to let other groups play through, and tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt.  And generally offends everyone around him on the golf course?""Certainly not dear," she replied.
"Well, neither would he."

God and St. Peter are on the first tee. God slices his drive into the trees. Suddenly a bird flies out of trees with the ball in it's beak and drops it on the fairway. Before it stops rolling a rabbit picks it up,runs to the green and drops it with the momentum carrying it to the edge of the hole. Now an earthquake begins and the ball falls into the hole. St.Peter turns to God and says "are you going to play golf or fool around".

A member of the regular Sunday foursome comes to the first tee sporting a black eye. Explanation as follows:

I was sitting in church behind this women whose dress was stuck between the cheeks of her behind. I simply reached over and pulled it out. At that point she turned around and socked me in the eye. I assumed she liked it that way.

The following week he shows up with the other eye blackend with this explanation: I was sitting behind the same women with the same dress problem when the gentleman next to me reached over and pulled it out.

Well I knew he was going to get socked so I tucked it back in.

This guy picks up a girl in a bar after playing a round of golf. They head to his apartment where they make love for an hour straight. As he gets out of bed, the girl looks at him and asks him where he's going."I'm gonna take a shower," he says."Jack Nicklaus wouldn't do that," she says.So, he climbs back in bed and they make love for two hours straight.Dragging himself out of bed, the girl again asks where he is going."I'm going to take a shower," he replies."Jack Nicklaus wouldn't do that," she says.So, he climbs back in and they make love for four hours straight.Falling out of bed, the man staggers to the door."Where are you going?" the girl asks."I'm going to call Jack Nicklaus," the man replies."Whatever for?" she asks. "Because," the man says, "I gotta find out what par is for this hole."

Bob was getting ready to tee off on a 157 yard par 3 with a lake in front of the green. As he was warming up a man came up behind him and asked if he would like to make a wager. The man bet $20.00 that he could bite his own nose and Bob said he couldn't do it. The man pulled his fake teeth out of his mouth and clamped them onto his nose. Bob was obviously dumbfounded. The man then offered a double or nothing bet that he could lick his own eyeball. Thinking this was impossible Bob agreed then watched the man pull his glass eye out of its socket and lick it. Bob was out $40.00 and getting angry now. The man thenoffered a wager of $200.00 that if Bob was to stand at the front edge ofthe lake while holding his hat out that the man could hit all of Bob's balls into the hat while using Bob's clubs. Bob thought hard about how the man could possibly trick him this time and decided that it could notbe done. So Bob ran to the edge of the lake and held out his hat. The man then started hitting balls and they went left into the lake and right into the lake, never hitting the hat once, and Bob was so excited that he had won the $200.00 that he started jumping around. Bob ran upto the man and soon realized that the man was smiling and just as happy as Bob was. Bob asked the man how he could be so happy after just losing the $200.00 and the man replied, "See that man leaning against the tree over there. Well I bet him $1000.00 that I could hit all of your balls into that lake and you would stand there and watch and be happy about it."

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel
absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over
the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes
and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again.
"Well, no." says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in
his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel
dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the
green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said,
"You missed the damn putt, didn't you?"

How many practice balls will the US Open use? 696 dozen Titleists, 500 dozen Maxfli, 150 dozen Top-Flite for a total of 1,646 dozen. Lets see, at $7.00 a bucket...

A review of Golf's Most Outrageous Quotes by Bruce Nash and Allan Zullo-Here's a few of the one liners from the book. It's quite a funny book.

"The flags on the green out to be at half-staff"--Al Malatesta, amateur golfer, on his game.

"You know the old rule. He who have fastest cart never have to play bad lie."--Mickey Mantle, baseball legend

Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well.--Craig Stadler

Check the diaper; if it's wet you get relief from casual water--Bob Murphy, after his playing partner's ball landed in a baby carriage.

Mulligan: invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 20-yard grounder.-Jim Bishop, columnist

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